Waffles's Purrspektif
Ise fort Ise wud show Meowmie wat a mitee huntur Ise troolee is, sew I left hur a purrezint onna floor inna office.
Ise cort a rat, killed it anna left it next tew Meowmie's chair inna offis, cos Ise noes dat da furst finggie Meowmie duz inna mornin is tew download da posts anna eemalyes onna pooter. Sew Ise noes dat next tew hur chair issa gud gud plaice tew leef hur purrezzints.
Well, Meowmie walks inna office...
Duzzint see mine purrezzint.
She sits attid hur chair...
Duzzint see mine purrezzint.
Downloads da pootur stuff...
Duzzint see mine purrezzint.
Wriggles hur toes...
Duzzint see mine purrezzint.
Wriggles dem toes agane...
Tuchiz da fur offur rat.
Meowmie goes furry still...
Meowmie sloelee luks attid da floor.
Meowmie sees mine purrezzint.
Ise can tell sheese happee cos shees skweelin wiv deelite like Ise neefur herd beefor anna hoppin anna dansin wiv joy alla owefur da howse, tellin Paw bowt mine purrezzint, tellin Nathan. Nathan is gigglin sew he finks Ise a gud cat tew.
Hmmm... Meowmie's gon offur tew da bafroom anna sheese speekin intew da grate wite porslain telefone furry lowdlee...
Purrs Awl, Waffles, da mitee huntur.
July 18, 1999 - All rights reserved.
"Teech da Hoomins tew Hunt"
Yesterday Waffles decided it was about time the "stoopid hoomins" had a
lesson in hunting for food...
It was not a good day. I had the mother of all migraines and I was struggling to do some essential business work on the PC - not a good combination. Next thing Vernon and I notice, Waffles wanders in, live rat in mouth. Ratty looked alive and well and to all intents and purposes was enjoying his taxi ride in a feline mouth.
Waffles dropped Ratty on the office floor. Ratty started to scamper about. Waffles looked at Marble. Marble looked at Waffles. Waffles and Marble looked at Vernon and I with a look that said, "Let the Games commence!"
The next fifteen minutes saw two cats sit nonchalantly in the centre of the office smiling quietly at two "stoopid hoomins" making complete asses of themselves chasing a rat about the room. Ratty thought this was a good game to start off with and would make a dash for the nearest cupboard, turning to blow a raspberry at us just before disappearing to relative safety. Ever had a rat stick the finger up at you? It does nothing for the self-esteem.
By now, Waffles and Marble were sitting in the middle of the floor holding up
score cards giving Vernon and I marks out of ten for technical merit and
artistic interpretation. I won hands down on the artistic interpretation side due to the range and variation in tone of my screams and shrieks. I also had a nifty line in fancy footwork as Ratty ran between my legs and tried to climb up my trousers. Vernon won on the technical merit as he was the one who finally managed to pin Ratty down under a bin and then stick a lid on it.
Next thing I knew, Vernon managed to stuff Ratty in bin into my hands and in a deep, manly voice said, "How are you going to kill it, Darling?"
Who the *&()% does he think I am??? Xena, Warrior Princess???? He's been drinking too much caffeine and it's making him fantasise.
I wandered out into the garden thinking, I can't kill Ratty - as soon as I open the bin he'll leap up at me! I didn't fancy being eaten by Ratty, Monster Rat from Mars. Okay, I was chicken about killing something.
So I wandered over to the stream and emptied Ratty out over the water. Ratty emerged from the bin in a neat triple back somerault with pike dive and didn't make so much as a splash as he entered the water and swam off. David Hasselhoff sprang to mind. Perhaps those were lifeguard red bathing trunks Ratty was wearing. I conceded to myself that I was probably hallucinating through the stress of it all and should go in for a lie down.
Migraines and chasing rats do not go well together.
Then today...
Do I need this????
Do I????
The little furry shitbag!!!!
Waffles strolls in through the cat flap - live rat in her jaws and lets it go free.
IN MY KITCHEN!!! Return of Ratty, Killer Rat from Mars! I swear I could hear it laughing at me as Waffles carefully allowed Ratty to descend unharmed from her jaws - taxi service fulfilled.
It took Testosterone Man (Vernon) and I a full twenty minutes to catch the darned thing as it managed to get in cupboards, under the fridge, freezer, etc.
In the meantime, Waffles, Francis and Marble just sat there! Those score cards came out again.
At one point, the rat ran underneath Marble. Marble sat there with a Ratty peeking out from under his belly blowing a raspberry and sticking the finger up at Vernon and I. Marble looked like a mother hen protecting her chick! I ask you! A cat nesting a rat! Now I've seen it all!
Next thing I know, Waffles strolls out of the house via the catflap leaving Vernon and I to get on with it. Ratty stays in the house, hiding at the back of the fridge. Vernon calls after Waffles in vaguely obscene terms, questioning her parentage and asking her where the *&Y*XX*% she thinks she's off to.
We moved it all - stuff in and out of cupboards, in and out of the fridge, moved the microwave, moved the fridge...the earth moved...
Eventually
I managed to catch it in the same bin that we used yesterday. Once again I wandered out of the house carrying rat in bin, followed by manly cries of, "Do you think you should kill it, Darling?"
I politely reminded my best beloved that contrary to his deepest fantasy, I'm not Xena, Warrior Princess and in my view, as Ratty has put up such a good fight I think that if Ratty can manage to swim across the stream, Ratty deserves a third chance. I warned Ratty that if he deigned to return, I might just serve him up as rat risotto to the cats after all...
I think I need to go lie down.
Anyone got any Prozac????
September 18, 1999 - All rights reserved.
Meowseur Purroit is on the Case...
Someone...possibly someone
furry stole my turkey breast meat portions off the kitchen work surface this morning.
Marble, also known as the great detective "Meowseur Purroit" assured me in loud purrs that he was only sitting next to the meat to carry out investigations to catch the culprit. He softly meowed that the reason he was licking his whiskers was the final part of his "furrensic" investigations into deciding the DNA "purrofile" of the "purrpetrator" of the dastardly deed.
Of course, I believed him...
Well, must go back to my padded cell, Matron says it's time for my medications...
October 3, 1999 - All rights reserved.
Aren't I the Lucky One?
Today is my birthday and I have been well and truly indulged by my nearest and dearest. Nathan got me a dictation machine so I can record lectures on my university course. Vernon got me an annual subscription to "New Scientist," another useful tool for my science course.
The cats got me a present too, one carefully thought out to impress. This afternoon I collected Nathan from school and went off shopping to see if I could get some inspiration for a Christmas present for Vernon. Said husband was working back at the office at home. He had the back door left open so the cats could come and go between house and garden.
On arriving back home it was dark and I walked through the back door into the kitchen. It was dark so I switched on a light. I looked, I saw, I was stunned into shocked silence. Then I reacted. "My God! Oh my GOD! Look at it! My GOD!" There it was by the door into the hall... on the floor, stretched out full length, a good 14" - 15" from nose to tail - a rat, the biggest fattest rat in the whole of Norfolk, to be sure. Freshly killed just for me.
Haven't I got the most thoughtful felines in the entire world?
December 18, 2000 - All rights reserved.
Aromatherapy Saves the Day
Yesterday evening, some friends came to visit. It was great, but by the end of the night - well, 1:00AM this morning, I was shattered and retired to bed. One of my migraine triggers is overtiredness, and boy, was I
tired by the end of last night.
Anyhow, during the night, I started to develop a horrendous migraine. Full nausea and inability to move due to the excruciating pain in my head. This wasn't helped by the melodious snoring of my best beloved lying in the bed next to me. Waffles knew I was ill and leaped into action. She knew Vernon had to be roused to get me some painkillers - I couldn't move to get them myself. So, she did what any caring cat would do to waken my source of help in my time of need.... She shit on the bedroom carpet and to make sure Vernon's full attention would be grasped (by the throat and gasping for breath), she did it up the wall and made sure it had a fine aroma. She did really well, as she could have awoken the dead with the offering from her rear end.
Vernon woke up and started coughing, as the cloud of green air wafted under his nose. He immediately leapt into action and sang the praises of Waffles for disturbing his dreams. He also went into autopilot mode opening the
bedroom window (which allowed in blasts of arctic air) and then started to clear up the delightful modern art that Waffles had left on the carpet and wall.
At this point I managed to moan about being in pain and wanting to die. Next thing I knew my darling husband was at my side bearing strong painkillers and a cup of tea. Just the trick! This doesn't get rid of the migraine, but it took the edge off it so at least I could get through the rest of the night.
All thanks to Waffles!
Waffles then jumped up on the bed and snuggled down next to me, giving her gentle purrs. I told her that not only is she an RCN (Registered Cat Nurse), she is also a fully qualified RCA (Registered Cat Aromatherapist). What would I do without her?
December 31, 2000 - All rights reserved.
Meowseur Purroit is on the Case Again...
I was sat in the lounge, watching the TV, all alone in the house, apart from the cats and Nathan. Nathan was fast asleep in bed, as it was a school day in the morning. Then I heard it... The photocopier was busy making
copies all of its own accord. Concerned there could be an intruder in the house, I quietly tiptoed into the office hoping to catch the intruder. I slowly edged my hand around the doorframe to switch on the office light.
Lo and behold, whom should I spot, but Meowseur Purroit himself, already at the scene of the crime.
Meowseur Purroit assured me that he was giving the case his utmost attention. Meowseur Purroit told me the muddy paw print on the "On" button was not his, but that of the evil purr-petrator of the crime. He also assured me that he was intently watching all furr-ifty copies being made to see if some sort of fur-ensic pattern was emerging. "Who knows," said Meowseur Purroit, "it could be a message from aliens," in which case, he would call in his friend, Fogs Meowlder, who was a fine detective of
extra-terrestrial matters. I looked at Meowseur Purroit in disbelief. Purroit assured me he would give his purr-ime attention to finding a more down to earth explanation of events and wandered off following a trail
of muddy paw prints on the desk...
January 13, 2000 - All rights reserved.
