When God made the world, He chose to put animals in it, and decided to give each whatever it wanted. All the animals formed a long line before His throne, and the cat quietly went to the end of the line. To the elephant and the bear He gave strength, to the rabbit and the deer, swiftness; to the owl,the ability to see at night, to the birds and the butterflies, great beauty; to the fox, cunning; to the monkey, intelligence; to the dog, loyalty; to the lion, courage; to the otter, playfulness. And all these were things the animals begged of God. At last he came to the end of the line, and there sat the little cat, waiting patiently.
"What will YOU have?" God asked the cat.
The cat shrugged modestly. "Oh, whatever scraps you have left over. I don't mind."
"But I'm God. I have everything left over."
"Then I'll have a little of everything, please."
And God gave a great shout of laughter at the cleverness of this small animal, and gave the cat everything she asked for, adding grace and elegance and, only for her, a gentle purr that would always attract humans and assure her a warm and comfortable home.
But he took away her false modesty.
~ Lenore Fleischer ~ The Cat's Pajamas
Teddy Bear, Junior, Billy, The Cat, Mom, And Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "No, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the damn broiler and throw it away - far, far away.
Answer door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of house and was heading for street. Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
~ Author Unknown ~
Copyright © Susie BachmanA Survivor's Guide To Bathing A Cat
It's time for that annual rite of spring known as washing the cat.
Here is my scratchproof approach, perfected after years of practice on "The Monster." (The success of this technique is evidenced by my not having to visit the emergency room this year.)
Remove everything from the bathroom that is not nailed to the walls or the floor. Fill the bathtub with warm water. While gathering together towels, a timer, the flea shampoo and a blow dryer, you must appear nonchalant.
Now quickly carry the cat into the Chamber of Torture and Horrors, slam the door behind you with your foot and plunge the cat into the bathtub. The cat will become temporarily immobile from the shock of sudden immersion.
Swish the cat around the tub, and, in one smooth movement, haul the cat out of the tub and into the sink.
Lathering the cat is a race. You must complete the task before the cat regains full consciousness. It helps to keep spinning the cat while you lather it. Before the cat can figure out what is going on, plunk it down onto the floor.
The shampoo bottle instructs you to wait five minutes before rinsing. This gives the cat five minutes to work itself up. After years of training you to be its doorman, the cat cannot understand why you refuse to obey its demand to go out. Just when the cat has clearly had all that it is going to stand, it is time, according to the directions on the bottle, to rinse thoroughly.
Pick up the cat and plunge it back into the tub. The cat will temporarily go back into shock.
Swish the cat around. You are trying to rinse off shampoo that is made from chemicals siphoned off puddles at a toxic-waste dump. This takes a lot of swishing. When it appears the cat is going to pass out, haul the cat out of the tub.
Half the water in the tub has been absorbed by the cat's hair, so the water must now be drained back into the tub. Drain the cat by holding it under the tummy so that all four feet are hanging downward. The cat is semicomatose at this stage. Unfortunately, the half that is conscious is totally deranged. At the sound of the scream...which coincides with the cat realizing it is suspended in midair over the tub...PUT THE CAT DOWN on the floor.
Towel-dry only until you hear the first hiss. The hiss indicates that the cat has regained consciousness. Now, while you hold the blow dryer, chase back and forth after the cat until you are thoroughly exhausted.
Then open the door. The cat will spend the next five hours in the sun, licking every hair back in place.
This is followed by the cat coughing up hairballs onto the living room floor, thus signaling an end to the ritual for another year.
Additional Cat Bathing Tips
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat non-chalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
Top 10 Reasons Why Kittens Are Better Than Babies
10. Veterinarians have evening hours.
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.
Cat Dictionary
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Cats in Physics
- Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
- Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
- Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something.
- First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
- Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
- Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
- Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
~
Author Unknown ~
Holiday Gift Wrapping Hints for Cat Owners
- Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
- Go to closet, collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
- Open door and remove cat from closet.
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
- Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
- Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
- Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
- Remove present from bag.
- Remove cat from bag.
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
- Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
- Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
- Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors and tore the paper.
- Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
- Place present on paper.
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
- Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
- Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
- Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
- Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
- Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
- Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
- Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
- Put present in box and tie down with string.
- Remove string, open box and remove cat.
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
- Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out paper and materials.
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
- Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door).
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best).
- Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
- Return to lockable room, lock door, sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
- Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
- Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
- Unlock door, go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
- Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
- Unwrap present, untie box, and remove cat.
- Go to store and buy a gift bag.
~ Author Unknown ~
